Time for some personal reveries, because boy did I do some contemplating since I started my Personal Body Plan journey… First of all, I want to point out that I really don’t want to come across as this whining person with a negative vibe around her. I’m actually quite an uplifting spirit with a positive view on life, but as we all do: I’ve got me some demons and darker sides as well. My darkest side? I hate to admit that that has always been my confidence. Or lack thereof, to be honest.
Let’s clarify some things: there’s a lot of things in life that I’m not uncertain about. That don’t keep me awake at night or don’t make me feel insecure. I know I’m a kind person. I’m genuine. I’m honest. I’m a very loyal friend and great listener (probably a better talker..) and I’m smart. There, I said it. I know it can be really hard to sum up you positive sides, especially us women seem to have a problem with that, but when I truly look at myself, I’m able to point out my fortes pretty damn well. Almost just as easy as I can point out my flaws: I can be a complete neurotic. Also, I’m not the best company at parties. I don’t understand why people would use alcohol, let alone drugs and I listen to ‘dad-music’. I can go on: I’m clumsy as f*ck, social awkward is my middle name and I don’t know how to approach people I don’t know, especially when in groups. Want more? I very competitive, especially when it comes to sports. I’m stubborn. I’m suspicious, paranoid maybe, and not even afraid to admit it. But my biggest shortcoming? My body image. Something I never really spoke about on my blog, for only one reason. I’ve always been too afraid that eventually you guys, or the people around me, would start to see me the way I see myself. And – yes, it’s getting darker and darker, sorry for that – that hasn’t always been a pretty sight.
Why is it that somehow your demons are so much more powerful than you want them to be? So far I’ve always been able to lock away my demons. To feed them every now and then, but then close the door so no one could possibly know what was happening behind closed doors. It was surprisingly easy actually. I just put on my happy mask, wrapped myself in rainbows and was able to make the world around me believe the smile on my face. It worked. Until it didn’t. I remember quite vividly that Lennart was the one who first saw the pain in my eyes while everyone still believed the smile on my face. He was the first – and probably the only one – who was able to show me that building these walls around me didn’t necessarily keep the demons out. They just fenced me in. Was I sabotaging myself? I guess the answer is yes. Definitely.
Flash forward to the present. At this moment I’ver been working on myself in the most broad sense: I train 4/5/6 times a week and I enjoy it to the fullest. I enjoy the sore muscles. I enjoy the sweaty hair. I enjoy the countless little victories I’ve made so far and I LOVE the person that is slowly but certainly peeking behind that mask. I can proudly say that I’m currently loosing weight but gaining confidence. Am I where I want to be? Nope. Will I ever be? Probably not. But I’m very very happy with how this newly gained confidence feels, and I actually start to realise this: it was probably always there. I just had to say goodbye to the old me, including old habits, in order to reconnect with what was really important to me. With who I was. With who I wanted to be. And Gosh, it’s awesome.